By Shirley O'Kealey

In a crowded Oak Bay Bistro a gent is looking for a spot to settle as he asks to share a table with another man.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

"Other man replies - "My wife is coming. I don't mind, if she doesn't you."

First man - "If she doesn't bother you, then she won't both me!" Both laugh.

"Don't criticize the coffee. You might be old and weak someday yourself.

Cafes don't really mean it when they say they are OPEN at 9 am on Sunday mornings.  It may be true; the staff has (just) arrived, sometimes only one person and the till may not be ready nor the lights turned on, nor the sandwich board outside but as I peer through the window they smile and wave.

"I wonder what tobacco farmers have switched to now that very few people are smoking.

Cucumbers boost collagen, the material in the body that prevents our skin from sagging. Buy unwaxed and organic or grow them yourself. Do not peel! Watercress has Lutein in it and is very good for the eyes. I've eaten watercress only once in my life, in a sandwich in England.

Beet-root juice is very, very good for you and the good news about whiskey is that it has anti-oxidants that help keep you young. Maybe a teaspoon taken at night will do.

Sure a lot of cigarette-smoking people hanging around the Jubilee Hospital - coughing.

Sign in a department store, "Love is Giving." I suppose what they mean to say is, "Love is Spending."

In Victoria catching a bus is like winning the lottery. It certainly helps if you know the schedule but once you DO get on, the bus drivers are very thoughtful and friendly. I noticed a bus-driver was chewing gum and I noticed because I am a retired schoolteacher.

"I missed my bus this morning," I spoke to the lady seated at the café table with me. "You should get up ten minutes earlier," she replied. "Are you a schoolteacher?" I asked. "Yes," she said. End of conversation.

A sign in Thrifty's: "Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Immobilized." (As will be the drivers for awhile.)

There is road repair all over the city. I saw a workman, hard hat and all, staring into an excavation, a long, narrow ditch. "Is it an interesting hole?" I asked him. "Yes," he replied. "There's supposed to be a wire coming through any moment. I really AM working."

My daughter when she was little and couldn't do math said, "I could do it if I had a countelator."

Do you know what? My name is in the BIBLE! PSALM 23. "Shirley, goodness and mercy shall follow me and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

We got fired from our first jobs. I was waitressing at age 16 and refused to give a customer a second glass for his antacid because I'd never heard of such a thing. Shan was fired because she went away for a long weekend and couldn't get back in time, and also had not called. Monte, working in a pizza parlour, was putting way too much topping on the pizzas and the owner was suffering a loss.

"Excuse me," said a woman loudly in my ear as I stood in a very crowded lineup. I moved over a bit, as much as I could. "EXCUSE ME!" she repeated even louder and with attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't know how much excusing you needed!"

In the same lineup some months later, I was standing behind two women when one of them, quite a hefty person, started to back into me. "Be careful," warned her friend. "There's a woman standing behind you!"  She turned, looked at me and sneered, "Just a little one." I should have bit her on the ankle.

Negativity has a stench.

"Stylish shoes look and feel like masochistic torture devices."  M. Kesterton. So why do women wear them? I don't.

Have you checked the history of the pattern or design called paisley?

My older sister, soon to be eighty, keeps reducing the number of years our mother attended school. Mom was the daughter or very poor immigrants, lived far from the nearest country school and rarely attended. Her family couldn't afford to buy a speller which was the only requirement and the only book used. She could read alright but could barely write a grocery list and did not know how to multiply. She would add up the numbers instead. First my sister said it was Grade 3, then Grade 2 and NOW Grade one, saying, "I really admire our mother, how much she did for us and all with just Grade One!"

"No, I told her - teasing - Mom just had KINDERGARTEN!"  "That couldn't be so," said my sister, and I left her thinking about it all.

There is a karate/judo gym downtown named, "FIERCE STUDIO." It reminds me of a relative who named his business, "RELENTLESS ENTERPRISES."

The day you can be sure you're a man is the day you realize the world doesn't owe you a thing.

People should hand out compliments much more often. It is such a surprise to be appreciated that we almost fall over in shock and delight. Don't be stingy. It costs nothing and is more lasting and beneficial than chocolates or even flowers. Notice, I said compliments, not flattery.

"He did not grow stale; instead he found new challenges."  It's not too late to try something new. You just might find something that fits.

Why don't kids ever trip over their untied shoelaces? Luckily we have Velcro now.

I think bicycles should be licensed so I could report the cyclist who race through stopsigns even if I am in the crosswalk.

I laughed when the window wipers on Shan's truck sprang into action just as the truck went over a speed bump. "Whatever turns you on" she said with a tinge a sarcasm and I replied, "At my age you take what you can get."

Shan & Jack play at Startrek. He calls her on the intercom and asks to come aboard.

I'm sure you have noticed that almost everyone on the street has a cellphone growing out of his/her ear or is that just music pouring in?

If they made the section of paper towel s just an inch longer we wouldn't have to take two. Maybe they want us to take two. David Suzuki had better talk to them.

I wish restaurants would serve handwipes before the meal.

I've discovered the suffix, Let, as in cutlet, hamlet, inlet, outlet, piglet, eyelet, bracelet. There aren't many. I like them.

Belle (the dog) ate Jenny's fruitcake. Belle is sly when it comes to food. We dare not leave anything in the care, even tightly boxed. It was old but still tasty and I'd looked forward to having it myself.

Shakepeare On the Lawn - put on by summer students of The Shakespearian Society was  absolutely charming. Hamlet, played by a young woman, did very well. We were comfortable and glad we'd brought lawnchairs and blankets because it was chilly once the sun went down.

People don't seem to know what to do with their yards after they've killed off the grass. One good idea I saw was to lay several squares of concrete (each sized about one square meter) and plant moss between them.  The yard then resembles an attractive gray/green checkerboard.

There is a Cat Sanctuary in Fernwood with the largest birdhouse ever, or maybe it's a catloft.

Rap is third on my list of most boring things unless you are the one performing. Tennis is another. There was rap instead of music in the doctor's waiting room. Isn't going to the doctor bad enough?