Love in 1955 vs 2015

By Jack Krayenhoff

Let me tell you a typical love story from 1955. It is my own, but I would suggest that it was typical for those days.

I had met this nurse in the Veteran’s Hospital (now the Memorial Pavilion of the Royal Jubilee Hospital), when as an intern I was asked to make sure that a patient, who had died, was actually dead. Well, he was actually dead, but in my task I was considerably distracted by the nurse, who stood at the opposite side of the bed. She was actually gorgeous. She asked me if there were any hobbies I was interested in, and I said sailing. She said she could get a hold of a sailboat and on my next day off I could come to her place and we would have a sail.

(She did not say that the boat belonged to her boyfriend, but she felt it was ok because he was a Catholic boy and she a Protestant girl, so it was petering out anyway. The two did not marry in those days.)

One thing led to another in a hurry, and pretty soon we had decided to get married. What about sex? Well, in those days you waited with that until you were married. In fact, when you wanted to have sex, the thing was to get married first. Then you could have sex, as much as you wanted, but only with your wife. One time I tried to persuade my fiancée that you could have sex if you were going to get married anyway, but she was a good Protestant and would not hear of it. I respected that, and waited. During the wedding ceremony, we promised that we would stay together for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both should live. We said it in the presence of witnesses, so that there was no mistaking it. This promise was solemn and we both planned on keeping it. In sickness and in health, until death did us part. We have never broken it, and we are so glad that we did. Now we look at each other at times, and know that we don’t have to lie, nor live with a broken promise.

Now a contemporary love story. My informant is a good-looking boy, and bright as a button. He got a bachelor’s degree from a college, magna cum laude, so he could not do any better than that. After he got his degree he wanted to do some travelling to the far East, and he spent some time in Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia. He had spent his time well: he understood the religion and culture of the people. The only thing was, he had left behind a girlfriend, so I asked how she was on his return. Well, he felt already prior to his departure that the relationship was petering out, so that wasn’t a problem anymore. Moreover, though he had been a virgin up to his trip, he had listened to his friends a lot and they had persuaded him that this was unnecessary. That was ok when you had to worry about pregnancy, but nowadays you could have your sex without worry, so why not? So he had adopted the new policy and sure enough, he felt much better. A girl expected it, and if you didn’t want sex, she was getting worried that you did not like her. So all these problems were over now.

If he follows the trend of the times, he will find a girl with whom he wants to settle down. Getting married? No reason for that, that will come later, once they have made a bit of money and can afford it. For that is an expensive business, you know, between the new suit, the fee for a minister, the rental of a hall and the liquor. Moreover, you want to be more sure that you are going to stay together and not separate, for if you are married, that adds a lot of headaches. And he knows from experience that several of his friends found they wanted out after a few years. Children? No rush about that, either. In the first place the wife wants to be free to finish her training and pursue a career, and that’s harder if you have to take maternity leave, plus the added expense of children is something you just have to be ready for. No, everything in its own good time.

Now what will this lead to? From my own perspective I see the following: a relationship with far less staying power. In the first place they couple did not promise, in the presence of witnesses, to stick together until death us do part. So a separation is always possible, and not hindered by a solemn promise. Sex is no longer uniquely bound to marriage, and therefore can be freely compared. What if the present husband is a good man, but not as hot in bed as Joe Blow, could there be anything wrong with going to Joe Blow occasionally?

Then children are no longer as desirable as formerly; rather they are an economic hindrance. Not many couples will want more than two children.

Am I typically praising the past? I am seriously worried about it. The world has always been full of them; the past was always superior to the present. But show it to me.